Q I have a daughter aged 34, with whom I’m very close, and a son aged 38. He has a partner and three children. My husband and I feel as though we’ve been cut off because we haven’t seen any of them since Christmas 2019. One of his sons was born in 2021, so we haven’t even met him.
There hasn’t been a falling out – it seems that we have just drifted into this situation. The main problem is his partner. She used to claim that we never made the effort to see them, even though we were always the ones who messaged and made plans.
In fact they never once came to us. It always felt like we did all the running – but this wasn’t good enough for her. The longer the situation has gone on, the harder it is to see a way out.
Our daughter and my elderly father have also heard nothing from our son. He has cut himself off from the whole family. But I know that as soon as someone dies he will want his share of any inheritance. I’m at a loss as to what to do.
A I’m sorry to hear this – it must be so upsetting for you. It’s hard when your child is in a relationship with someone who you don’t get on with – and she does sound difficult. You say that things have drifted to this stage, but was there a point when you noticed the distance between you and your son grow?
He and your daughter are clearly quite different personalities. You suggest that he can’t be bothered unless there is an inheritance to be had, so is he emotionally detached or selfish? Whatever, he is your son so, of course, you love him and you want to see him.
Please don’t let the time that you haven’t been in touch stop you from making the first move. It might feel awkward, but you want reconciliation, so be the one to make the effort.
Send him a text or call to say that you would love to see him and your grandchildren – and ask if you can visit. (You could offer to stay in a hotel nearby so that you don’t put them to the trouble of making up beds, etc.) I do hope he will agree and, if so, don’t blame him for not getting in touch – just say how thrilled
you are to be back together and to finally meet your youngest grandchild. Try to keep things light and say that you want to see him more often. However, you also need to consider whether his partner is controlling him.
A classic sign of coercive control is cutting off a partner from their friends and family. So contact the Men’s Advice Line mensadviceline.org.uk) and/or the charity ManKind Initiative (mankind.org.uk) to discover how to recognise this and help your son if necessary. The charity Stand Alone (standalone.org.uk), which supports those coping with family estrangement, can offer further advice about how to reopen communication.
His redundancy is coming between us
Q My husband and I are really struggling for money since he was made redundant. He is 59. Our children, who are in their early 20s, both still live at home.
I am working part-time but my salary won’t cover all the bills.
My husband and I are meant to be going on holiday with his sister and her husband (who are fairly wealthy) in the summer. Even though his sister has said that we don’t have to pay towards the villa, I don’t think we can afford to go. The flights won’t be cheap, and his sister and brother-in-law like expensive meals out. I keep arguing with my husband about it.
I think he is too proud to tell his sister how up against it we are. She has always been the more successful one.
A This is a minefield for you because it sounds as if your husband has always felt in the shadow of his sister. It would be a shame to let it come between you, though, as you are both feeling stressed already.
So tell your husband that you don’t want to argue any more – the two of you have enough to cope with without that – and say you want to find a way to discuss it calmly. Ask him gently if he feels that his sister will value him or love him less because his company has ended his employment, which could well be because of factors beyond his control.
Tell him that you don’t think any the less of him, emphasise that he is much more than his work and that you are sure his sister will feel the same. Low self-esteem is common after redundancy – Mind (mind.org.uk) has advice on how to cope. You can also get free guidance on managing your finances at Money Helper moneyhelper.org.uk.
If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_ Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally
